I felt like I won the lottery: a parking spot directly in front of the terminal, an ontime flight, and an empty middle seat! The previous night I made a snap decision to buy tickets back to SoCal. Last minute airfare: $$$! Weekend with my best friends and family: Priceless.
The Outbound Journey
I had three reasons to head back home: two birthdays and a memorial service. It seemed like a strange juxtaposition of events. One birthday celebration was for one of my best friends since 5th grade. This celebration was planned to include movies, hiking, and plenty of Legos. The other birthday celebration was for my mom. She often feels neglected on her birthday since some family memebers forget it, so I hoped this would brighten her day. The memorial service was planned for my cousin who committed suicide last year.
I think what triggered the snap decision was a desire to strengthen old bonds. Though I’m living in a new place, my home is still SoCal. I was admittedly a bit of a mess last year, but I am enjoying the time in NorCal so far as I chase one dream of working at a startup and take the time to reflect on the other goals I need to set to achieve other dreams in my life. It doesn’t hurt that my office is really a ranch house surrounded by orchards, cattle, and good people.
I want to live more deliberately, but I feel like trying to be committed to a life I didn’t like during my 20’s, I’m still trying to bring a new dream in to focus. Particularly, I want to ensure I am chasing my own dreams and not someone else’s. I’ve been trying to be brutally honest with myself, but there’s still certain stones I hesitate to turn over.
I have been reevaluating my relationships with family, friends, work, money, and the environment. I guess I really just want connevtion and boundaries with family. Support from and adventures with friends. Meaningful, but not all consuming work. Enough money to avoid crippling debt, but I don’t need excessive luxuries. I want to leave my mark on the world, even if it’s a small one.
The Inbound Journey
The weekend was fairly chaotic, but I’m glad I made it back home. I caught a super hero film with the boys, went on a short hike along the local river, and window shopped for Legos. Somethings never change in nearly 2 decades of friendship.
The memorial service was moving and it made me wish I had reached out more to my mom’s family in general. My cousin was a very kind, intelligent, and humorous man. Though certain members of his side of the family are very traditionally religious, I am glad the service did not shy away from the truth of the realities my cousin faced: he was a gay man battling schizophrenia raised in a traditional Mormon community. The question will always linger: would my cousin be alive today if we had done something more to reach out?
With that question lingering in my mind, I focused the rest of the weekend on connecting with my family, though the day did not go as expected. I spent the morning running around to different auto care stores to try and find a bumper repair kit for my sister’s car. The brunch planned for mom was honestly not great food at the restaurant. Yet, I’m still extremely happy we could spend some time together.
The flight back was delayed about an hour due to weather. The flight eventually took off in a drizzle and it seemed like a fitting reflection for my currently life: a bit misty from the tears of what I no longer have, the fog of the unknown, and the thrill of the next adventure as the engines shot me up into the sky.
