Lured by promises of fortune and glory, I headed towards Sutter’s Mill. Unlike the miners 175 years ago headed to the gold fields, I sought technical knowledge, personal growth, and financial wealth in the robotics field. Yet, like the 49ers, I have seen the elephant.
To see the world; to gain knowledge by experience. The cost is oftentimes considered to be more than the thing is worth.
To see the elephant (idiom)
I have been working with robotics professionally for about a decade, but this chapter of my journey began 4 years ago when I left my job and returned to graduate school. After 2 years of study, I relocated out of Southern California for the first time in 22 years by moving to the Sacramento Area in 2022.
I needed some space after a messy breakup followed by a disastrous rebound relationship. I snapped from being a people pleaser to being too selfish and it took me a while to realize that and come to terms with my own mistakes.
I was pretty upset that I spent years of my life in a “medium” distance relationship, only to find out in 2021 my partner was having an extended emotional affair with a former colleague and fling. During most of the relationship, I lived in my parent’s house to pay down debt to build a life together after she finished her PhD. I turned down career opportunities and stayed in a job that gave me the flexibility to make the relationship work — or so I thought.
This was the first time I had been lied to for so long by someone I loved, and I struggled to come to terms with this. After spending too much time agonizing over decisions (dump her or try and fix it? Do I pursue my own PhD or stick with the masters?), I made a series of rash decisions in rapid succession in mid 2022 as I felt that I’d sacrificed and wasted too much time. I tried a new relationship before I was really ready. I deluded myself into thinking I was OK, but this was wrong. Next, I tried joining a startup because that would definitely fix my bruised ego and restore my shattered self confidence.
At the startup, I found an amazing team with ample opportunities for technical growth. I loved the work that I did and I am proud of the contributions I made to our robots. I expected to work hard and I did. Yet, there was an unexpected hidden cost to my personal life and I was sinking myself into the exciting technical work instead of looking internally to find my peace.
After 2 years at the startup, I quit. I’d survived a first wave of layoffs and a second wave was imminent. (The axe dropped 1 week after my last day.) The stress definitely took its toll and I gained nearly 20 pounds in the time after hiking Mt. Whitney. Despite the uncertainty, I loved the work and the team.
The turning point for me occurred after a series of incidents and losses drove home what I was missing by immersing myself too far into my own life. Earlier in the year, a relative injured themselves and I was off running around instead of being supportive. Then, a close friend lost a relative. As I looked back at everything I missed and reflected on the other losses, I realized I had not been there for the important people in my life in the way I wanted to be.
The true “gold” is the relationships we build with people. Now, I am not done with startups or chasing my dreams, but I have definitely experienced a sharp reprioritization: I want to spend more time closer to home with friends and family. Maybe thats what happens as we cross the 30-year mark.
As I bid goodbye to NorCal, I frantically crammed in many of my last bucket list items. I hiked the Donner Summit Tunnel, which was carved by pick and hand teams in the 1860’s. (Many of the workers were former miners who repurposed their skills.) I wandered aimlessly around the streets of San Fransisco. I camped on the lakeshores in Lassen Volcanic National Park.
Yet, no matter how much I tried to cram into a day, I never quite found my peace. No matter how far I would go or how many activities I would cram into a day, I could not hide from my own inner thoughts over analyzing everything that happened in the Summer of 2022. In many ways I am unwinding the choices I made then because I miss the wonderful people who used to be a more active presence in my day to day life.
I felt so blessed to have had this chapter of my life. I grew, had fun, and made some wonderful new friends. The best times I had were working with people to achieve a common goal, whether it be climbing a mountain or building a robot. I cannot wait to continue exploring this beautiful world with friends, both new and old.
